


(what about) Bob

by Cerusee



Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Classical allusions, Gen, Hamsters, batfamily, mild brotherly trolling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-07
Updated: 2017-03-07
Packaged: 2018-09-30 13:25:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10163963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cerusee/pseuds/Cerusee
Summary: Jason, Damian, and the contested naming rights of a hamster.





	

**Author's Note:**

> [This is, again, 100% Lysical's fault.](https://lysical.tumblr.com/post/158108337896/cerusee-lysical-cerusee-lysical)
> 
>  
> 
> [Also, CHECK OUT THIS LOVELY FANART rhinefall DREW FOR THIS FIC!!!](https://rhinefall.tumblr.com/post/177139712214/i-was-going-to-test-out-how-to-use-a-blender-pen)

Dick can hear them arguing even before he enters the room.

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No. I absolutely forbid it.”

“I don’t see where you get off forbidding anything, this is _my_ hamster.”

Dick swears he can hear Damian grinding his teeth. “The owner gave it to _me_.”

“Yeah, well, _I_ was the one who thwarted the robbery while you were busy cooing over the kittens. If anybody gets a reward hamster, it’s me.”

“I was not _cooing_ , I was _saving_ them! From that lunatic with the gun!”

Dick, approaching the table where Jason and Damian sit on opposite sides, glaring at each other over a small cardboard box, admonishes, jokingly, “Damian, that’s not a nice thing to say about your brother.” Jason rolls his eyes.

“I am not—I was not—this cretin is trying to steal my hamster!”

Dick leans over to peer into the box, and is greeted by a tiny, twitching nose. “Why hello there, bud.”

“Bob,” Jason corrects.

“ _No_.” Damian spits.

“ _Yes_ ”, Jason shoots back.

“You name _everything_ Bob,” Dick says.

“I’m like, seventy percent sure Rayner was the one who named the Monitor that,” Jason says.

“Donna says it was you.”

“Eh.” Jason lifts one shoulder in a half-shrug. “It’s a good name.”

“It has no dignity! Besides, this is a female hamster.”

“Don’t be sexist. Girls can be named Bob. And I hate to break it to you, Little D, but rodents don’t have any dignity.”

“All life has dignity,” Damian says frostily. “Has Father taught you nothing?”

“A, go fuck yourself; B, all God’s critters might got a place in the choir, but I don’t see how that precludes me naming my hamster ‘Bob’ if I want to.”

“IT’S _MY_ HAMSTER!” Damian shrieks.

Dick is enjoying this, but feels a vague big brotherly impulse to adjudicate. “Maybe you guys can, you know, have joint custody of the hamster?” he suggests. “It’ll be a great lesson in sharing, Little D.”

“Joint custody for a hamster, Dick? That’s nuts.” Jason considers it. “Whaddaya say, Dames? You can have her Mondays through Thursdays, and I’ll take her on Fridays and the weekends.”

Damian fumes. “ _If_ I get to name her.”

“Depends on what you want to name her.”

“Antigone”, Damian says reverently.

“Fuck you, no way,” Jason replies. “Why would you burden an innocent hamster with that kind of tragedy? Have you even _read_ Sophocles?”

“Of course I have, I have a classical education.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, don’t tell me you named your dog after Titus Andronicus, that play is _not_ appropriate for children.”

“I agree in principle, Jay, but that’s really not the worst element of Damian’s upbringing, is it?”

“Antigone is an elegant, classical name that conveys fortitude and fidelity,” Damian argues.

“All things I think of when I think of a hamster,” Dick says solemnly. Damian glares at him.

“It’s better than Bob!”

“Bob,” Jason proclaims. “Short for ‘Bobbarella.’”

“I thought it was short for ‘Roberta the Bruce’—Damian _put down that knife!_ ”

**Author's Note:**

> The hamster eventually ends up named “Bobbarella Antigone McWhiskers” once Steph gets wind of her. Everyone but Damian calls her Bob. Jason and Damian do share custody, but Cass keeps kidnapping her so she can cuddle her on her chest and stare soulfully into her beady little hamster eyes.


End file.
